I Feel How I Feel, How Do I Feel?

I know one thing, that it is killing me to not be able to text her and find out how she is doing. My daughter Christine that is, who left today for South Africa. Is everything ok? I would ask, where in the sky are you now? Are you still anxious? Can I make anything better for you?

I heard something today...that you had no arrangement waiting for you at the airport. IS THAT TRUE? It fills me with something, it is in my stomach. I don't know if I can't tell what it fills me with or if I am afraid to look. I'm imagining, getting off the plane, completely alone, bewildered. But then, I am imagining because, of one thing I am fairly certain, that you are not bewildered.

There was also crying today. Not crying, sobbing, deep grief. It shocked me frankly because I don't think I have those feelings. Oh not so much this particular situation, but in general. I'm afraid to feel those things. So it took me by surprise, first her Father, wracking sobs, then Margaret, and Liz.

I wanted to work in my office and I thought it might be a little escapist while my family felt their awful feelings upstairs. But I had purchased a movie today, I never do, and Margs, Liz, and I watched it. To honor Christine.